I’m an introvert. Speaking my mind when I’m face to face with someone has always been a challenge. Like many of my kind, I’m also sensitive and I cry easily. I find crying in front of people mortifying. When I am trying to do something difficult like talk about something I feel strongly about, these quirks I have can make verbal communication feel impossible. As a kid, many times I would either try to say something and end up crying and then feeling humiliated, or I would avoid speaking up at all. This pattern continued into my adulthood.
One thing that worked for me when I was a kid was to write things down. If I had something difficult to discuss, I would write a multiple-page essay to the person I needed to communicate with, to explain my side. I wrote one such essay to my parents to tell them about my decision to move across the country to California to marry J.R. I was 19 at the time. Something tells me if I hadn’t written it, I would’ve run away without a word. That’s how hard it is for me to have these types of conversations.
As it turns out, my kids are introverted too. This presents a challenge to me as a parent. I have to try to figure out how to get them to speak up when I’m still bad at that myself. In the beginning, I tried to coax them to say what was on their mind. They’d either say it was nothing, or they’d flat out refuse to say whatever it was that bothering them. I wanted my kids to learn how to say it out loud. For years it was a struggle. I knew my kids had things on their minds, but they just couldn’t quite get the words out. Usually, they would carry it around with them for weeks or months before they finally broke down and opened up. Out of desperation, we started encouraging them to write it down if saying it out loud was too hard. It worked.
When we give them a paper and pen, within minutes they’ll ask questions or tell us about things that have happened or they have done that they never would have been able to verbalize. At first, this worried me. It almost felt like we were taking the easy way out. Then I read Susan Cain’s book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking. I started to view introversion as a strength to be proud of, as opposed to a weakness to be overcome.
I decided the goal of communication with my kids was that we connected and transmitted important information to each other, especially as they got older and the topics became more difficult. Written communication can accomplish the same things verbal communication can, and sometimes in a clearer, more efficient way. And in my experience, the written communication mainly serves to kickstart the deep verbal conversation that inevitably follows. Usually, only one or two sentences are written, and then speaking is easier.
If you live with an introvert, and you want them to open up more, here are some tips:
- Don’t leave it at “I’m fine.” If you think something’s up, you’re probably right. We introverts sometimes get so far inside our heads that it can be overwhelming. If we can talk it out with a loved one, we usually feel better.
- Tell us it’s okay to cry. Many times we will hold things in because we’re afraid we’ll cry if we talk about it. Do not make fun of us for crying or chastise us for it.
- Offer us the option of writing down whatever is bothering us if we can’t seem to verbally get the words out.
The key is to keep at it. It takes practice, and even then, opening up is still hard. I’ve cried more times in front of J than I can count in our 16 years of marriage, yet I still find myself avoiding talking about things I’m getting worked up about, simply because I do not want to cry in front of him yet again. But we’ve made progress. Usually, he can get me to open up within 30 minutes or so. It used to take days or weeks. And if you want to understand the introverts in your life, pick up Susan Cain’s book. It’s explains us perfectly.